Saturday, April 23, 2016

Run Baby Run...Or Maybe Don't

At the beginning of the year a social media site I subscribed to on Facebook was looking for new part time writers, I was super geeked to "apply" & although I didn't make it this time around I wanted to share with you the piece I submitted, because I really enjoyed writing it & believe that it could be helpful & maybe even inspirational to you beautiful people. 

I hope you enjoy! :)

There have been moments throughout the past ten years that I’ve not just thought about leaving but I planned my escape. You read that correctly. I have planned to leave my seemingly great marriage over and over again. I’m naturally a runner. Not the healthy get up every day decompress kind of runner either, add that to my new year’s resolution list…next year. When it comes to fight or flight I most definitely choose flight when I let my emotions run the show. Freak out- check! Then Look for the nearest exit. Leaving sometimes feels like the only thing I have control over & so I grab on tight to that ONE thing & “run” with it. Pun intended ;)
So it’s no surprise that the thought of leaving my marriage has crossed my mind once or twice over the past decade. I mean seriously it was bound to happen. And it’s okay. I know I’m not alone in this. Life gets hard and marriage, heck, relationships are hard. Consequently they often end up added to our list of stressors rather than alleviators.  When one starts thinking it’s not normal to have issues or arguments, or that things might be better if the relationship were with someone else, I want to just scream at the top of my lungs [in a lovingly frustrated way of course] IT IS NORMAL THAT YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS NOT EASY!!! We are all people & people complicate things. We all communicate & perceive things differently. It’s a recipe for disaster; I’m telling you a complete disaster, lots of hurt, which leads to scars BUT that’s not where it has to end!
It drives me crazy that my husband hates brushing his teeth and just yesterday I found underwear on the ground in four different places laying around the house, I can’t stand that he doesn’t listen to hear me sometimes, and that I’m often perceived as overreacting. I know he can’t stand what seems to be breeding bobby pins that are left in all sorts of places around the house, it irks him that I always seem to forget that certain glasses do NOT go in the dishwasher, and I cut him off when he’s talking frequently.
On the flip side he sings me crooner music @ karaoke even though it can be off pitch and I write love notes on his car so that everyone he drives by knows how much he’s loved, we’ve danced in a restaurant that didn’t have dancing – just because, we make time to snuggle and watch our favorite shows together and we have a weird sense of humor that often leaves us the only ones laughing in a room together, which doesn’t bother us one bit.
It’s normal to be annoyed. It’s normal to be inconsiderate. It’s normal to be rude. We of course aren’t these things on purpose. We aren’t intentionally being mean or annoying one another. Anyone you live with for an extended amount of time is bound to get on your nerves in some way. Here’s what we believe is different about marriage. Or what some might say where we get our “staying power”.
We CHOOSE to never give up. We CHOOSE to grow together as we grow individually. We CHOOSE to remind ourselves of the privilege it is to experience one another’s idiosyncrasies. We CHOOSE to try our very best at showing love and being considerate. We also decided that making those choices on our wedding day wasn’t enough. Just like saying I love you one time isn’t enough, you say it over and over again with your words AND your actions throughout your relationships.
So every time we doubt our love, or think about fleeing we purposefully choose those things all over again. We choose each other for better or for worse. The choice is more difficult on some days than it is others, but when we step back and look at all our days put together it really is a beautiful inspiration to continue choosing one another as long as we both shall live.
Friends, if you are tired, or feeling not normal in your currently strained relationship, maybe you’ve been bickering for days, weeks, months I encourage you to PERSEVERE! Choose your partner in a way that is evident to them. Maybe just say those words “I choose you” and then follow those words up with actions. And remember to keep your chin up because you certainly are not alone. The good days will come, just keep choosing and loving one another.

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Beyond Words

I recently sat on a big comfy couch opposite my lovely therapist & told her how disappointed I am with where I am in life.

I've accomplished very few things that "I just knew" I would have accomplished by now, when I was fresh out of high school or even newly married.

I work jobs that make me feel like a little piece of me is dying each day. I know it sounds mellow dramatic...but it really does feel like that a LOT of days.

A few days ago I watched the documentary "He Named Me Malala" & something in me felt alive.

This young girl, 16 years old is the youngest person to ever win a Nobel Peace Prize.
She is advocating for a just cause - the right for females to be educated across the world.
The Taliban attempted to assassinate her & she LIVED to tell about it. She was forced to flee her country & home...she can never return because they will kill her on the spot, no questions asked.
She is a hero.

I remember being passionate.
I remember learning about the 60's sit ins, protests, & I remember wishing I could have been there to stand up for what was right. To speak out in love against what I knew was wrong.
I remember looking into smuggling Bibles into China.

Today, I'm not exactly sure what how to live out a passionate meaningful life.
I have this crazy idea that I just want to travel the world & just hold & hug people...

My Husband's Gramma has dementia. Her body is here but she rarely visits anymore.
Every time I see her I make it a point to touch her. I kiss her forehead. I hold & rub her hand.
I know that even if the Gramma we all know & love isn't there, she is still a person whether we recognize her or not. That touch means something to her. Everyone should know that they are not alone. Touch can be a wonderful tool in communicating this message.

I understand I can't go around touching & hugging everyone. That would be creepy & likely get me arrested & defeat my purpose.

BUT I long to look directly into the eyes of hurting people and see them.
See them in such a way that they FEEL seen.

Gramma you are not invisible because you aren't who you used to be.
Baby you still have worth even though you were abandoned.
Woman you are a beauty even though life has traumatized you.
Man you are not a failure because your pockets are empty.

My heart aches to embrace these fellow humans and let love do the talking.

I can see that something is forming...coming together...and although I'm a bit clueless today I have a small yet giddy expectancy to see how this passionate meaningful life of mine forms.

Until Next Time,

Friday, January 22, 2016


I love to read but have difficulty finding books that I can't put down when it comes to the self help genre.

I want to be helped.
To better myself.
To accept who I already am & be pleased with it.

All those great, centered, beautiful, wonderful things.

Sometimes I feel I'm desperate for them...

I remember the first day I opened up "Carry on Warror, The Power of Embracing Your Messy Beautiful Life" by Glennon Doyle Melton & I felt like I was meeting my best friend.

The way she wrote made me feel known.

To feel known is at times, I think, this is all I really want out of life.

What a beautiful thing to be known, appreciated, loved, & cherished.

That day I sat on the couch eager for my husband to get home so I could gush about my new friend! He sat on the couch & I read him a few chapters. I paused to see his reaction & he says with a huge smile on his have you secretly been writing a publishing a book without me knowing? It seriously sounds like you wrote this. He knows me, happy sigh.

One of the words she uses to describe herself is disheveled.
This was the word running through my head this morning as everything was falling apart...
I'm so disheveled! I'm just like my friend Glennon!...How do you pronounce disheveled? Note to self Google word pronunciation for disheveled. Dish-eveled? Dis-heveled? hmmmm...Mama Google says dish-eveled in case your were wondering ;)

So here I sit a product of coffee & music who have paired up to save my life, wondering when I will get my crap together. Wondering if it's really this difficult to be a responsible adult or just me being undisciplined.

As much as I wish I were Adele & could say hello from the other side I'm making myself remember that my life is super messy, but it's also amazingly beautiful at the same time.

These bad days are mere specks in the giant mural of my life.
They matter & are even necessary. They make the bigger picture of my life a masterpiece.

All will be well. Just keep moving forward.
Carry on my fellow warrior friends.

Until Next Time,